A really annoying advertisement - at a bargain price 05/13/03
Richard F. Corrigan

I have decided to rent my forehead to advertisers. I can fit NIKE, AT&T, CBS, FOX, NBC, CNN, IN TEL, SONY and myriad other readily recognizable product names on my brow.

Renting forehead space isn't all that bizarre. For years, professional athletes have worn clothing and used equipment that featured manufacturers' names and logos. Many colleges and high schools allow advertisers to purchase equipment and goal posts; they even sell the right to place advertisers' names on gym walls. Some corporations advertise inside bathrooms - inside stalls. At least my forehead is right out there - no surprises. And why not affix something to my body that will make me money (unlike the shamrock tattooed on my ankle).

For my part, I will never wear a hat, and I will always keep my hair off my forehead. I will never walk backwards. I will look neither down, nor up, but straight ahead. I will always drive with the top down, unless there is inclement weather, at which time I will switch on the inside lights so that my forehead may be read by passersby. When at the beach, I will tan only my front, never my back.

Already, many people see me weekly. With a few adjustments, I can increase the numbers. I will attend more sporting events, social gatherings, charity events and fund-raisers. I will bike ride more and even consider purchasing a motorcycle. I will walk the mall, frequent cafes and parks.

I'll arrive early at restaurants, place my name on the reservation lists, then stand there and allow everyone else to be seated first. I will attend more rallies and demonstrations.

I will always walk in the out door, and out the in. I will go up the down escalator, and down the up. I will keep to the right when signs says keep left, and vice versa. I will sit in the front row at all movies, concerts, plays, recitals and lectures and continually turn around and face the audience.

My forehead, by-the-month: rental fee, $3,500. If an advertiser wishes to contract for a year, I can drop the fee to $3,000 a month. The only stipulation is that I am allowed to write a book about my experiences as a forehead advertising venue. Being the first - and I called it! - I should be allowed to publish the premier book about the subject. I will purchase a Web cam and set it on top of my computer so that while I am writing my story, my forehead will be broadcast over the Internet.

I intend to begin my campaign as soon as I can determine the best place to advertise my forehead space. Unless I self-advertise - Your Ad Here!

Corrigan is a freelance writer in Sarasota, Fla.
© 2003 The Plain Dealer. Used with permission.